I got my first tattoo for my 42nd birthday! My birthday falls on Easter this year, which feels pretty special because as I commemorate the resurrection of Jesus, I’m also commemorating a resurrection that happened in my heart. My tattoo says “upholder & defender” and marks one of the most pivotal moments of my life.
But in order to get there, I have to rewind a bit…
My mom’s sudden death when I was 16 left a deep wound. People can just vanish. Just like that. Just in a day. They can change and then they can vanish.
Her death created in me a fear of being blindsided. I always felt guarded, waiting for the other shoe to drop, and unable to cope with the unknowns in my future.
(I just went deep fast, sorry about that. I’m not great at small talk.)
Have you ever gotten to the point in life when you couldn’t run or hide from your wounds any longer? That’s what the past few years have been for me. All of life’s shifts and changes brought out the most fearful version of myself. Between moving, adopting children, and adapting to some big changes in some of my relationships and routines, the what-ifs spiraled in my mind so fiercely that I couldn’t see my way through.
What if moving was the wrong choice? What if we have to move again? Does that mean I failed?
What if I don’t have what it takes to help my new children heal from their trauma?
What if my relationships keep changing? After all, when my mom changed, it led to her death…
What if something happens and I become a single mom of five children and I can’t provide for them?
I thought about leaving all those specific fears out of this post—too vulnerable, too much information. But I’m leaving them in because this can be a reality for so many of us. One fear leads to another, and then another. Before you know it, we’ve created a worst-case, non-existent reality in our heads (that is extremely unlikely). Yet all of it feels so real because we keep replaying it. One of my friends struggled with panic attacks for years. During these attacks, she would spiral. She opened up to me about some scenarios that would replay in her mind during those attacks. I would tell her, “That will never happen. Those fears aren’t real.” And she knows it. I know it. You know it. But fear can cast some pretty big shadows.
When life is steady and you’re in a good routine, it’s easy to see your future charted out. But when so many things change all at once, it creates a fogginess and uneasiness. And as for me, my complicated relationship with change created a full-blown showdown between me and my fears. It was time to face them head-on.
My therapist, Tim (who is now retired) was a 66-year-old Catholic who made a career shift from a CPA to counselor after he turned 50. Tim is fatherly and methodical, and he was just what I needed during my healing journey. A couple of years ago he told me to bring a statement of truth to our next session. I thought and prayed about my statement and rearranged the words until it felt right. I needed a statement that reminded me that God holds my today and all my tomorrows. I needed something that reminds me that even if my worst fears happen—even if life blindsides me again—I will be held, I will be okay. I landed on my statement, which is a combination of two verses, Psalm 54:4 and Psalm 18:1-2.
Towards the end of our next session, Tim asked me to say my statement of truth out loud. I nodded. I spoke intentionally, and deliberately, not missing one syllable of one word:
“God is the upholder of my life and the defender of my heart.”
It’s hard to put holy moments into words. But tears ran down my face and I didn’t want to move a muscle.
“What is coming up for you?” Tim asked.
“I just feel God so near.” I said as the tears continued to slide down my face into my lap.
“I do too.” Tim said.
We sat there in a sacred moment together as the presence of God carried away my wounds and my fears.
Tim had me say the statement out loud a few more times.
I was enveloped by a presence of comfort, assurance, peace, confidence, and love. Instead of feeling small and powerless, I felt strong and protected. I felt powerful and anchored and whole. I was wrapped up with an unshakable strength. It was as if I had been a child bullied on the playground. But then my Father stepped in and stood beside me and there was nothing left for my bullies to say. They just walked away. No more taunting. No more fear.
I haven’t been the same since. I don’t fear the unknowns of my future because I know God is the upholder of all my life. I don’t fear being blindsided anymore because I know God is the defender and healer of my heart, no matter what may come. I know in life that people will change and I will face losses, but I get to choose how I want to show up in the world and I can be proud of that. I will walk with integrity. I will keep growing and showing up as the best version of myself. I will keep doing the right thing. I will keep loving people fiercely and doing my best each day. And if life still falls apart—even if I do everything right—God’s got me. He will hold my heart.
If you struggle with crippling fears, a wound that never healed, or you feel powerless or small—keep going and keep growing. Keep walking on your journey of healing, because you never know when your moment will come. It could be the 214th therapy session. It could be the 74th church service. It could be the 10th line of the 17th book, or the song that came on right after you prayed an exhausted prayer. It could be a conversation with the right friend, a moment of forgiveness, a hug from your mother, or a moment of silence at the beach. Or the moment you speak a truth out loud that you didn’t know would hold so much power.
So, I’m ringing in year 42 with a confidence I’ve been carrying for a while now, but now I have a tattoo to mark my healing moment. I’m cheering you on in your healing and growth too.
Happy Easter—He is risen indeed.
Quote 💬
"Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it."
-Helen Keller
What I’m Reading 📖
Fun & Favorites 🙌
Listen, Gua Sha really works. Nothing woo woo. Just improves circulation and collagen production. I’m a fan. 🧖♀️
I’ve been making these healthy cookies on repeat every week. I use monk fruit instead of brown sugar. 🍪
I have watched this so many times and I still can’t figure out how he did it. Also, that pinned comment had me rolling! 😂
This was a great podcast episode. 🎙️
A lovely reflection on Easter. ✝️
Questions to Consider 🧭
For reflection: What moments of healing have marked your life?
For the comments: Do you have any tattoos? What is the story behind your first one?
Definitely an anointed word. Keep going!
Inspiring piece thank you Melissa, I used to have fear in a lot of things but the more i prayed and put my trust in God it's changing me bit by bit and your story clicks into piece, thank you for encouraging words